Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
