I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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