It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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