My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I need a beard to bite.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
