god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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