How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
