I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
