1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we have officially lost it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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