dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The best revenge is premature balding
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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