I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
