So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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