yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
