1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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