1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
