Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
