We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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