I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I did not marry a roomba.
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