i think my mom watched the whole time
you have to choose: penises or morals?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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