morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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