they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
