So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
