either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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