you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
