She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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