i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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