so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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