On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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