We're like a lot better than the average bears
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
