The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
