I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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