dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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