Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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