We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How does one acquire holy water?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
