he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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