At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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