It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
