i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
