Will you blow on my dice?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
it hurts more in the daytime
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Randomize
