You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
