But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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