connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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