I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
