How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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