I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
