You made me cry and you don't even care
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
