Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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