Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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