If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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