Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
