I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
