apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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