He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
