what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
