$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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