I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
