You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
