some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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