Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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