Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
